Unhappy

Unhappy - as most of others...
My the most favourite teacher is happy now. Very, very happy and I cannot share that. Because I don't feel like that. I don't feel as happy as I am supposed to be.

Anyway. I guess I just wanted to say that I've been missing something - maybe some contact between two people (though I don't miss a relationship - I guess I am not a dating type..)

And I also miss someone who would be... I guess my best friend. Not the way T. is - although she is great she doesn't understand those things. She doesn't say you are perfect - even though she believes that. She doesn't understand unhappiness. And that is a good thing - and the reason why I can't tell her everything. I can't because she wouldn't understand the way I need.

I cannot say that to Ytam because he doesn't care actually. He cares just because after that he can talk about himself. And because we are his trophies. Something he can swagger with. Someone else who's told him everything in five minutes of talking!

 My sister simply doesn't care and she thinks my problems are stupid for teenagers of my edge. She also doesn't care. And that's all.

Iw is not there for me. She doesn't have any time, I probably don't worth it as I used to do. But that doesn't matter. I still like her very much and I always will. I can promise I always will. Because she is a person I cannot just hate. Or just stop like. I like her and I always will. And I think that will always be my biggest fail. My biggest mistake.
Is it my fault? I haven't done anything... I have just started dating MK. And I am very sorry that it had to end up this way. But I used to like him.

But after him I am unable to move on. Because I cannot stand any other relationship. Because the one before didn't work. I know that and that's the reason I think I'll always be alone. Because I cannot imagine myself with anyone. I don't do relationships. I am very bad at that. And I don't know what I am supposed to do. I really don't know.

Why are those things happening to me? Isn't this enough? Does the God hate me? Or anyone else?

And no one else talks to me.

Sometimes I write things

After some time I wonder whether this actually IS something. I guess you know what I mean...

It is sad but no one actually remembers me afterwards we meet. I don't know anyone who does. So it makes me wonder whether I am so much nothing or they are nothing even more. For example I think that on the second breath I actually am something to someone. Usually someone you can laugh at and he lets you. But I am something. And that is all I can ever got.

And I am aware that unless I'll change myself I can't be anything more. I cannot be someone you take seriously I cannot be someone who you can be with - and I even am not able to be with you. I am emotionally challenged. Or at least I think so - and all other people think so also because though all of them would say that is not true it is - they look like that and they can't imagine anything more. For example being more then just a stranger but even very, very good friend.

And the way I see other people's relationships I actually envy them that. And sometimes I jealous because those people mean something to me and I also want to have the same relationship with them. So in the end my biggest problem is that I am actually alone.

Because T. is my best friend but she is the way ahead and I am still standing here and complaining about my life. Because she has the chance to be like this. And though I am still trying to avoid this break I can't because I am already broken like I always am. Because I again won't go to England and I again will be stuck in this stupid country suffering because I've chosen the wrong way. Forever alone because that is how I am destined to be. That is how I feel. And I am so - so sorry.

I am listening to this song and I actually wonder if that actually means something to this person. If he actually wants to sing this because he feels that and he actually can express what he feels - because to be honest - who can scream into the world what he feels? I can't... Though I've been trying for such a long time. I don't care... But you already know that, don't you?

I am sorry - I am just talking to myself. But that is something you are not surprised to hear, are you?

And one more thing - I am not born to talk English ... I am not born to be English... or American... or French... or Spanish... of Finnish or any other country that is actually attractive some way... So I am sorry for my English - but I've been trying...

My own surprise

It was a prom yesterday. You know - those people who are about 2 years older then us - me. And many pairs who love each other and people I know and people I care about.

The worst of all is that while I was standing there and watching those people coming for their cup of fame and the went through the rain of coins I discovered one thing.

I actually care about him. Like I really, really like him. And I always liked him. You know - the way that he is hot (handsome) and funny and irresponsible and nice.

It doesn't matter anyway because he is in love with his girlfriend and I am actually glad. Because I know that it wouldn't end well anyway. So I just know that it is supposed to be like this.

Why was I talking to him at previous prom? Why was I?

I don't know. But to be honest - it's killing me. For a few months I've been thinking about another person I will like like I used to like him before. And I guess I've found him. But I am not this kind of girl who will talk or cry about it. I am just a girl who is loved by one boy she doesn't love. But nothing more. No one else. And it's a good thing because I am not good at relationships. I always do something stupid - laugh at the one I like because I can. Rude because it's not the way I imagined.

I am so sad about that. But whatever. I won't mention it again. I just wanted to have it. I just wanted to say that to someone. And ignore the fact that it will never work - because admit it - he'll leave and I won't have even chance to get to know him. Be friend with him because that is enough for me.

And the other one was great. He is so nice person when he doesn't try other way. And if he were this way always I would like him more then he knows - no the Love way. Just like him. Secrets are nothing to me. Because it screams in my mouth and I have no one to talk about that. I can't talk to him about that because he doesn't know I know. I can't talk about it with T because she doesn't know I know it. I can't talk about that with Iw because she actually have no time for me - just me. But it doesn't matter.

I am alone in this. And why am I writing it here? Because I hope someone'll understand and won't judge me because I like someone who's dating someone else. It's just a feeling and I cannot just make it stop whether I choose.

So please understand what I mean to say...

Dark pumpkin

Today is one of the most amazing days I've ever heard of - Halloween.

I had the chance to meet Halloween itself. If you know what I mean. I was taken by Samhalin. Thrown right into the arms of dead people which are celebrated this time.

Smalin. Old Celtic father of Halloween - as I was told. And something took my hand.

Oh no! - Has he really an axe in his head! Where am I and why is standing right next to him man with a pumpkin instead of head? What is going on here?

And then I see a knife and suddenly I have a real hole in my chest.

And after some time I am screaming by fear and pain that is actually happening to me. And then they are taking my skin off and flesh afterwards. What is happening to me?

And suddenly I have only bones and nothing else..

WTF?

And now it's me who scares kids now...

MUHEHE

Am I angry again?

I was told that I should behave. I was told that I will be missed. Nothing of this is actually real. Because otherwise that would mean I should be the best person on the planet. And I am not this kind of person.

Sometimes I would appreciate if people underestimate me. Because that would mean no disappointment. Though I would suffer because no one on this planet believes in me. But I feel like sometimes people except too much. And because they believe it I believe it too. So in the end I won't disappoint just them. I will disappoint me as well.

And what could be worse then disappointment from myself?

I know that sounds very confident - but I think that people overestimate me sometimes. Like teachers who expects me to be good but I am not because I can't. Or parents who believe teachers.

Or people who think that I can do that. But I can't. That happened to me so many times that I am surprised of myself. Because I haven't lost my confidence. I am still confident and I still know who I am. And I am proud of that. Because that is what people miss or what they think is attractive - it is only easy - doing like I don't have any confidence - like I hate myself.

But this sort of people is not attractive anymore. Usually it is just the way how you can look poor or sad. Bud sadness is not what people are looking for.

So just forget you've read this page.

Thanks :-

Your dear friend - I hope dearest

Mar

Internet - nothing worse...

Don't ever - EVER buy something over the internet... My sister did and that's how it looks now.... she has nothing... well.. I am bit sorry for her.. but it is mostly her mistake. She wants to save money and she has nothing...
That is mostly her fault and she will be the one who is unhappy... I am a bit sorry...
Don't ever do the same thing!

Hypocritical

Once upon a time there was a little girl who couldn't talk. That was not because she missed her tongue or lips were together (I have to admit that would be really ugly) but she was mentally challenged. Or to be more specific - she was an idiot.

She was a shame for her parents. The hated her but they were too scared to admit that. She blamed him and he blamed her. They both were guilty and non of them cared.

And the princess begged their parents because she wanted to play with them. She loved them and they hated her. Everyone hated her...

So once.. when she again tried to talk (but she couldn't because she was an idiot) an beautiful fairy appeared and asked little princess what is wrong. But little girl couldn't talk so fairy thought there is nothing wrong and left without saying goodbye.

I am lost

Today I've lost the only thing I like about myself... Today and I can't blame anyone but myself.

I like my hair. That is the only thing I actually like about myself. I liked. Because it was long. Long and so comfortable. It felt good when I touched it and it felt even better when I played with that. I really liked mi hair. Actually I loved it but probably it doesn't matter anyway.

I wanted my sister to cut it because it needed it. The only thing I care about in my life. And I trusted my sister because it is important to me.

And now I have so short hair and I look so much fatter. But I really don't want to blame her. So it will be just my little pity... The truth about my hair... Something I liked. And now it is gone...

But I have no right to blame anyone but myself... Oh my god! Why am I doing this?

Please... Never let me go... Please..

And now... I don't like anything about me... I hate my body and I hate my hair even more. I am so sorry... But I really want to be brave about that.. Although I cried and cried. Although I am still crying and I think I will cry always when I see it again. Mirrors are now my enemies. Why did that happen?

It had to grow for 4 years... And it even didn't reach my waist. That was the dream I couldn't wait for. And it will never come true, will it?

Walt Disney

I am watching all those films now.. They are so beautiful and so sweet. Everything ends up well.. Everything has only beautiful people and everywhere is so nice English.. I miss my young me... I really do..

Oh my god I hate my diary!! 

I've changed my blog again... I don't know why I am still doing that... It is always the same.. And I still hate it... Although I am not able to run from it... I just am sick of my blog and I don't do anything with that... 

Speak of running.. remember how I told you about the not-single boy? I slept next to him.. but I couldn't fall asleep.. so I run away.. really I really run away.. disappeared and that was so amazing feeling... I am so hypocritical... I am :-)... never mind

Today I had a dream... I was talking to Iwish's boyfriend.. but not because I like him or something like that (because I don't).. but because even her boyfriend was talking to me but she didn't.. that is why I was so sad in that dream... I just wish she starts to talk to me again... that would be so good!!

But she won't unless I will start (and I can't say even that for sure).. and I am proud and I am afraid of the truth... 

I found out that I didn't miss school at all because it was still such a stupid thing!! Never mind... 

Goodbye 

Beauty and the Beast

I saw this movie a few days ago (two actually) and I really like the men who talks at the beginning. He has so wonderful voice... I just want to know who he is because I couldn't find that.. because if I would I would try to find something else with his voice.. perhaps he's read some book aloud..
.
Anyway.. That is not the point..

For who could ever learn to love a beast...

And then I realised that perhaps I am a beast... not exactly from the outside view, but the whole film isn't about the look.. it is about the emotional part. And  I am not quite sure that someone could ever love me (and to be honest I really don't want to be in love with someone)...
And when I think about that I don't deserve anything...
My friend told me that if he wouldn't know me he would judge me the worst way... And then I think about that and then I know that if someone starts to know me I should run away.. Because I am not a good person.. And this person starts to know me... And that is the worst thing imaginable..

I started something with a boy who has got a girlfriend... And that is pathetic... But I couldn't stop (I did but after minutes of ... well... we hadn't slept together)

And I feel guilty.. and it is so wrong.. I guess I need someone. Have someone so I could stop with those mistakes that I regret and I can't sleep... I am such a jerk!!
Do you know someone?

I am a Beast, aren't I?

I miss my life..

I miss school.. I know I shouldn't and it is hard to admit it.. but I do.. because I miss easy life.. no job... I miss when I can do anything I want.. I miss that... but that is OK...

I can't write anymore.. I've lost my inspiration.. so I can't do anything...

goodbye my friends... :-) I am in the middle...

Pero.. mi español no está buena...

Mi español no esá bonita.. pero... quiero... quiero a donvertirme buena...


Hasta luego...


Mis amigos solos.. ;)

Why?

Why is this happening to me? I am sorry. I didn't meant to bother you with my problems. My own world is full of surprises that hurt me. I am sorry about that but I couldn't help myself. That is who I am...

In English is much worse talking. Because in each sentense you say you also hear the word I. You are aware of it and you feel sick of it...  I... Because we are our own world. I hate that kind of truth. Sometimes I wish I am someone different. Some good person. I am surprised how good are people I know. And then I am surprised that I am so evil...

Did you know that I lie? Did you know that? I am liar. And worse, I am confused liar...

Do I like him again or is it or just my kind of feeling? My irresponsible soul hurts itself because of boredom. My life is strange but still exists.. I am sorry because of that...

Do you know that many people don't like me? That no one likes me anymore. And I feel bad about that.. because that probably means something. That no one trusts me. And I trusts everyone. I am sick of that fact...

Buenos días...

¡Hola!
¿Qué tal? ¿ Cómo estás? Yo estoy bastante bien. Pero estoy un poco nerviosa. Ayer terminé mi trabajo (essay) sobre México. Lo estuve difícil. Mucho difícil. Yo escribí 31 páginas. Estoy muy buena. Pero me sorprendo por mis habilidades. ¿Pero quién ha tenido un idea de escribir el trabajo como la corta? Todo es mi idea y la trabaja mía.

La escuela es estúpida. Mi profesora de español es mucho inhábil. Mi español es terrible. Es mucho difícil a mi a mejorar español sin el profesor de español.

Quiero un profesor de español. O quién que habla español bien. Quiero convertirme más bien de español que el resto. Quiero convertirme más buena. Persona buena.

No importa.

Hasta luego..

Muchos pesos...

No importa

El profesor de mi clase no está más justo. Yo sé. Es mucho bonito, divertido, inteligente y mucho más. Pero no está justo. Quiero habla con él pero no puedo. Está mucho arrogante y gusta solo chicos y hombres. Como estoy (mujeres) menos que hombres. Y él dices este y no estoy cierta ¿porque haces lo?

Ni importa. Estoy mujer. Quizá estoy la justa. Pero que el dice que el dice. Estoy mucho triste. En este momento quiero ser el hombre. Y odio yo mismo para lo. ¿Porque por qué? Yo encuentro tan eso porque le. ¿Y por qué?


No existo un hombre que entiendo. Y estoy so triste...

Por favor.. Con permiso para mi español. Pero lo es todo yo tengo. Gracias...

I know

I know you probably have no idea what I am saying. I am just trying to convince myself that I am a leader of my own life. That I am the one who decides his future. But I am sorry if I were wrong...

It says in one song: I am tired of waiting. And do you know what is really sad? That I am trying to convince myself that it is just in my mind. That I am the wrong person here..


You know I am tired of waiting. Because that is the only thing I am doing. Waiting. Like my sister. And although I like my sister I don't want to wait anymore. I want to have a life that worths something. I want to have fun with plenty of friends I have. But I don't have friends anymore. They all are gone. With their feelings. With they own problems. And I can't stand them anymore. 


What am I supposed to do?  

Oh my God!

God. I want to say that I don't believe in God. Although it is a good thought. Of something coming after death..

On this stupid world are thousands of people. Believe it or not. And all these people have their thoughts. The believe in something. Because no one can delete things you think. He can change them a bit. He can do many things. But you will always be who you are....

Remember that, OK...

Today is not a good day. But you probably already know that, don't you? Sorry for bothering you. I am just trying to do something good.

Because obviously I don't do good things. I do everything wrong. I am at wrong time at wrong place. I am telling bad things aloud. I am afraid of thousands of people. I am afraid of myself and I am afraid of you, reader.

I think that I deserve this. This feel less something that is way too wrong. Never mind. It was nice to hear from you again...

Reality

Hallo darling...

I know you are here. I am aware of your eyes. They all staring at me most of my time. Perhaps they are trying to hurt me. But I don't believe you are so bad. That you could possibly be so cruel.

My darling. The only person who is supposed to be trusted. Please, don't disappoint me. Because if you will, you will never be able to forgive yourself.

But all you need to know, sweetheart, honey, is, that I will never do the same thing to you... The same thing that you've done to me thousand times. Because this time I am to weak. I like you too much. Revenge is impossible. Or you would say that really similar.

I miss you honey.

OK. You didn't want to hear that. But I am too tired to do anything else. And I am so glad you will never read this, because no one knows this page and you especially have no idea that something like this exists. Because you are not real. Why? Why cannot you be real?

I am just a person...

You know... this blog is becoming my diary... but I have to say it to someone.. you.. the only person who cares.. who reads my words and who believes I am a good person. Because I don't. And if I don't, someone has to.

I have got a history. I wish I haven't but I have. Being no one can hurt. I know that and I realize that. But sometimes is the chance make your own present and history more valuable then we know. Then we are aware.

And what happened? What the hell did happen?

I used to date someone. We were together over half of year. And then I broke up with him. It scared me. The relationship that was so serious and he liked me, loved me so much. It scared me. Do you understand? Do you know what I mean? I had to run. It was the only thing I could have done. And I did that. I probably wasn't trying enough or maybe that wasn't enough. Sometimes - often.. usually... it just doesn't work how we wish.. You know?

So I ended that up. And I was sure that was right decision. But he was so devastated! So much unhappy. For such a long time. He was always gone, he listened to music, he was so sad!

Until a few last days. I really thought that he is over me. Because he looked so happy. I believed we could be friends again. Not more. Although I would want we can't. I would be too afraid it would end up exactly like that again. And that is over me...

But he looked better. He told me something. I believed.

And today. They were making fun of him. As usually. And one boy said that I so devastated him. And I said of course I didn't. This is already something else..

And one friend of mine said that I was wrong. That was still me. That is still me. She didn't want to tell me that because I would be sad.. And I am.. Because yesterday I told her that perhaps he is already OK and we could be friends. I believed that and I had to look so happy that time...

I am so unhappy.. as usual... Why do these things happen?

Who has done that?

Hola, ?qué tal?

As You already know... I miss you. More then You can imagine... I spent years looking for you. But I couldn't find you between those faces you are not able to share.

What happened today? I saw you coming. I saw you and I figured you will be scared to death... and I understand.. I would be... You saw my soul..

I remember when I first time saw my soul. I run miles away and I screamed as much as was possible. I was yelling... Like a baby.. Like someone who can't escape... the were coming for me... I was so scared!!

I've never seen so scared face as yours. I should be a bit insulted... but don't worry... I am not... I am just afraid you will run away. That you just wanted to leave as soon as was possible. And that is your choice.. I know that and I accept that...

I am so afraid that you will run away.. I trusted you more then I trusted myself.. and now this... why did I show you everything?

Ice queen

Have you heard? That our eyes are just windows into our eyes? And that our lips lie as well as our tongue? Doesn't matter now... I just didn't want to go through it again.. 

I used to have broken heart. I did. So many times. When I was really young and you all were the bad stupid people who didn't care that I wasn't perfect..

Ice queen. Called me my friend and I wondered if he realised what that means. And if that is true. I am sure that he doesn't understand why I am who I am and for who I am becoming this. I just wish I hadn't done so many things before I started that..

No one understand why I am who I am. Neither do I. The only thing I understand is which of there milestones were the right...

I just wish this isn't true. I am just teenager. 16 years old girl who wonders why is everybody so strange and why is she such a outsider..

What's wrong with easy?

Español

Voy a escribir en español otra vez. Yo sé es no está buena cosa. Pero me siento muy sola. Supongo sabes la verdad. Quizá estás decepcionado. Entiendo. ¿Porque he hecho eso? Porque te echo de menos (I miss you). Y sabes eso antes dijo eso.

Estoy cansada. El cansancio es del grito sin palabras. O del grito con palabras. Odio el grito. Odio yo mismo. Odio ti. Odio mi vida y odio la suerte que saló mi. Depende....

Estoy, estoy, estás.

Español es tan malvada. Tan fuerte. Tan más buena como me. No estoy feliz. Y quiero hablar español tan bien tan hablo inglés ahora mismo. Este es mi objetivo..

Depende...

Tengo que ir...

Hasta luego...

Just a kiss

Hola... mi amigo solo... 

estoy cierta te no gusta me. Y yo entendo. Pero... voy a escribir en inglés. Gracias

I kissed with my friend. Almost with my best friend. And the worst thing is that it was not a good kiss. It was kiss I don't know. That shouldn't have come. I know what you think of that. I know. And I am sorry I have done that. But you have to promise me you'll never tell. That is really serious problem, you know?

We kissed and that felt so wrong. He is not a guy for me and I am not a girl for him. And it is so weird. It is mostly my fault because I hadn't  kissed anybody for really long time and I needed it a lot. But it was a mistake. And I know that a lot..

I have to admit that it was my idea. I hoped that if I kiss him, he would realize how he loves her. And that we don't belong together. But this kiss scares me. It was in park? I am such a jerk! Anyone could see us. And I don't want to be judged. I know that he doesn't care, but I don't want to! 

It was a kiss. Kiss I am afraid of and it was longer. What is wrong with me? Tell me, because you are the only one who knows. You are the only one who knows me. 

I think this all is your fault. No that you kissed your best boy friend. But because you know what you should say to me but you won't!... That is the reason why I'll never forgive you. That is the reason I am afraid of the most...

Promise

Hallo my closest friend..
sometimes I wonder if that is only me... And sometimes I wonder; What's wrong with me? Maybe you'll tell me.
I always wanted to meet someone who will care. With the good kind of way. I found only you. You mystery person who understands I am not as perfect as you want... I am really sorry...

You know I am reading a book. The book shows politic in some kind of weird way. And I don't know what I am supposed to believe to. Is this the truth? Is the fact that we all hate true? Am I supposed to be worried? Am I supposed to hide myself? Run away as you always wanted to see...

And I swore I would never run away.

I will say you just one thing... And listen carefully. NEVER promise anything. Anything. Because keeping promise is the worse thing you can ever do. And broken promise brake hearts as well as malice breaks good spirit. This all is related. And I cannot escape. No matter how I wish to..

I always wanted to be someone who will belong to something.... There is difference between something that is made for you and when you are made for something... Remember that.

You are made for me. What is made for you? Maybe this blog.. Maybe anything else. Just don't forget... Please... I told you more then I wanted...

Goodbye you...

La ama rota

Estoy mala. Mucho mala. Y no estoy cierta porque me he convertidindo diferente. He cambiando.  Pero no importa. Soy solo... cruel.

Mi vida es como su gente todo el mundo. Y he roto la ama de mi amigo. No puedo decir nuevo porque se nunca fue mi nuevo.

No estoy OK. Yo decir lo todo los gente estoy OK. Pero no estoy.  Y me deo perfecta cuenta de ese.

No importa.. Hasta luego mi amigos...

The worst thing that ever happened

I know I promised I will write in Spanish a lot. But I promised this will be my blog in English. So I will write a lot in English and sometimes in Spanish. Because tengo que improve mi español. Depende.

OK. My day wasn't the one of the best. I spent hours waiting for a change that didn't come. I don't know what I expected. Perhaps it was another worthless hope. Never mind.

Do you know what is the worse thing that ever happened to me?

I know you have no idea what could be the worst thing that happaned to me. And I know that most of you don't want to find out the truth. But for those who at least a bit care:

The worst thing that ever happaned to me is...

There are many of them. I can't say just right now. I have no idea why I am writing about that...

The worst thing that ever happened to me is that I was born. I was born as a stupid characterless person who just tries to show the world he (she) is better then they think. I don't worth it. I obviously do not.

Doesn't matter anyway. OK.. Run if you can.

Scream if you can.

Tell me what you think if you can. Till you can.

Amazement

I spent hours studying. I had thousands fights with my parents. And the result? There is no result. I can see only myself in my poor life and all I can feel is the stupid pity I hate so much you can't imagine.

I've decided I will write also in Spanish. Every single day (when I will be able to) I will write an article in Spanish. I will also write in English. This is not a blog in Spanish. Mostly in English. But if I want to be good I have to do more then just do what I have to. I want to be better then others at least in one stupid subject.

I know... I will never be better. But I can be good and then I can be really good and then I'll learn the language and I will be good. But I have to do something for then. Getting better because I realise I can be good at least in one stupid thing.

English, Czech, Spanish. Three languages I can improve. And Franch. I want to learn this language. But it has to wait. I will study that after I will get some skills from Spanish. That is the most important right now. Go on. Good luck.

See ya... Bye

Nuestros vividas

Hola...
¿Qué tal?

No sé... No estoy cierta porque es escuela tan difícil. No estoy contenta con mis resultados. Estoy falto de concentratión. ¿O porque es las Máticas y la Física tan mal?

No importa.

¿Y porque escribo en espaoñol? Porque cada uno habla inglés. Y quiero a ser (estar - no cierto) buena en una cosa.

Gracias. Y tengo esperanza, que estás paciente conmigo. Hasta la vista (mis amigos buenos)

Todos los días

Hola,
¿Cómo estás?...

Mi día estuve terrible. No sé... pero no estoy capaz a aceptar ese. Pero no sé... Tengo que trabajar. Trabajar y hacer tan mucho como puedo. No estoy cierta en mi vivida porque esa no está buena. No estoy feliz. Pero quiero cambiarme. Cambiar a mejorar mujer. Mejorarme a buena persona...

Gracias... ¿Hablo español? Un poco. O no... no hablo.. pero voy a estudiar mucho... Y un día voy a hablar español mucho...

Un abrazo muy fuerte O muchos besos... Hasta luego... Tu amiga Markéta...

Today

After so long time is sunny day. And I can't appreciate it.. again.. I am such a fool... I am not able to be happy with my happy life... I just don't know what I want...

But I am sure with many things...

I want to make school being much easier... Because this I just will not be able to bear... or make... I work a lot and It doesn't help..

I want to meet new people... I know all the time the same people and I need something new. I want to go out and meet a perfect, complicated person who is a bit arogant and ignorant and who is able to go and say I am good.. Who will like me and won't ignore me.. I need attention... at least a bit..

I want to talk to that person and discover his secret sides that he doesn't want to show me.

I want to have a lot of money and spent the rest of my life in the USA or England... I would be happy with Spain or France... And move out later... I just hate this.. moving out would help me with second problem and perhaps will give me an inspiration...

I want to find a good job I can have with school that would help me have many money..

I want to have a lot of new clothes and shoes and boots...

I want to be slim and wear beautiful dresses and clothes...

I want to grew up

I want to be good at something. Like really good. Like have real thing in whitch I am better then others and I can do it with inspiration for others.

I want to do all my thing I want to do before death.

I want to be good in writing. I want to be a writer and finish my book. And sell it.

I want to be good and popular. As Dominik for example. He has everything and he is aware of that. That is not good for me and it is good for him...

Why?

I guess at first I owe an explanation, because I have got my blog for over two years and it works. This is just...

I write it because of my future abroad friends who can't Czech and whith who I want to share the same things as with my other friends.

Perhaps my real or the second or Czech blog (or how am I supposed to call my first blog that certainly is not dying) know too many people and I am tired of that being careful what I'm writing. I want to write what I want and how I feel without terrible consequences. The freedom of my word, you know?

OK. So if anyone finds this blog, then hi and I hope you like it. It's something new and different I hope.

And I am sorry for my English. I am not a native speaker and I am not the best of all in my class. I just... Want to share. As I said...

Hi.. It's me... what's up?