Pathtic girl

Diary, short stories, the most important...
At first we learn to walk then learn to scream..

Saturday 3 August 2013

I suck

I mean.. it's just a writing, right? It isn't anything important, right? It's just this stupid writing, right?
Then why am I so sad when someone says that I suck?
How  come that it hurts so much?
How come it makes me cry?
Why was I so self-confident?
I will never publish book!!
Get real, you stupid girl!
Why would a girl like you ever published a book, right?
Why would anybody care about you?
No.. of course it's not like that..
You are just not that good at writing...

Michael

Michael,
my hear is aching. I feel so alone that the tears of pain and full of bitterness are falling from my face.
Once you told me a legend of a god who was collecting human tears and hid them in his pillow. So he would never forget how pain looks like. Feels like...
I know, Michael, I know... it all started when we were younger and the god to take care of people he was supposed to take care of. And he didn't care. So ever since he had to pick up the tears of sadness and play a music of heart.
Wasn't it an angel, Michael? I don't really remember...

Friday 2 August 2013

Does this numbness have a reason?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Those days of empty words and meaningless smiles?
Or are they here just to punish us before we fall into hell?
Maybe it's just defil himslef watching our lives...
What happened to us?
That we're now looking into a mirror without any rocognization of the person on the other side.
Where did they go?
Leaving us with our dark souls and tears of sadness on our lips. Hating the shadows that have left.
Are those shadows really us? Who are we now?
Sleeping of desperate loneliness that caputred our soul.
Maybe this all has a meaning.
Why didn't they take us with them?
Wondering how long we can (would) survive witout our dark mind like floewers without sun and water. Dry and colourless.
How could have this happened?
Did we do it unaware of are there some who can we blame for those hurtful intentions?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Or are we being punished?

Thursday 1 August 2013

Don't... just don't

Don't come close unless you're sure of me.
Don't come close unless you're sure you won't hurt me.
I've been through so much pain recently
and you've been hurting me over and over again.

Don't leave me behind when you decide to face the truth.
Don't show your feelings unless they're true
don't pretend that your life is perfectly smooth
it's too late for me to feel pure.

Don't cry on my shoulder when you don't feel sad.
Don't tell me that you missed me when you didn't,
just leave me alone if you think it'll end up bad.
And don't go near me if you think you shouldn't.

We both are way too old to play games...

Don't say that you love me when you're in love with somebody else,
don't touch me when you don't need it.
It's just my bad feeling of a very cruel jest
and my mouth just wants to spit.

And most of all don't lie to me,
don't think that I am less
don't believe it's easy for me
and don't think that all you have to do is kiss.
just don't think that that's what it is....

I am just to vulnerable to feel like this...

Wednesday 31 July 2013

How did we get here?

How did we get here?
On this planet and into this planet.
It seems like the fate is playing us and laughing behind the curtain. Explaining everything that hurt me.
Why did they leave me?
Was I really so bad person that they left me alone?
I wish I could know what the future holds. Will it embrace me like I embraced my dead soul?
The burity of my body left me. Now there are only damned cruel thoughts in my mind. Eating me alive...
And I'm just hiding under the covers.
How could this happen to anybody?
Is God really such a bad person? Is this actually leading me somewhere?
True and hones.
Why am I weeping on the ground?
I thought I was over that...
Clearly I wasn't...
Is mourning actually leading us somewhere or do we do that just to get rid of that blame which is hauting us forever...
How did I get here?
How could this happen?

Friday 24 May 2013

My latest work

It is really nice to have a diary with everything so secret that even I forget. Like.. who would suspect that I have something else, right?

I must admit this is new to me. Feeling something in my life. Having new friends. I even must admit that I don't miss my current friends. I just don't miss my ex best friend. Even though she was my best friend. She just left me. And I can't force myself to feel something like friendship anymore.. I mean.. she made a choice.. and she made the right one.. but sometimes you must lose something to gain something else. And she should know that by now.

She has a lot of experience, she used to be there for me, and she can English much more. But that's it. I am not going to try to act like someone else because I am not. She lost me. I know, it is not a great lost, but it is. And that doesn't mean that the past was something else.. it just was.. there.. and it did something to me. I am just tired of that, really.. and it is not funny anymore. But what to say? This world is leaving me behind...

All right then.. I guess that's all I wanted to say...

Thanks a lot...

Bye...