Unhappy

Unhappy - as most of others...
My the most favourite teacher is happy now. Very, very happy and I cannot share that. Because I don't feel like that. I don't feel as happy as I am supposed to be.

Anyway. I guess I just wanted to say that I've been missing something - maybe some contact between two people (though I don't miss a relationship - I guess I am not a dating type..)

And I also miss someone who would be... I guess my best friend. Not the way T. is - although she is great she doesn't understand those things. She doesn't say you are perfect - even though she believes that. She doesn't understand unhappiness. And that is a good thing - and the reason why I can't tell her everything. I can't because she wouldn't understand the way I need.

I cannot say that to Ytam because he doesn't care actually. He cares just because after that he can talk about himself. And because we are his trophies. Something he can swagger with. Someone else who's told him everything in five minutes of talking!

 My sister simply doesn't care and she thinks my problems are stupid for teenagers of my edge. She also doesn't care. And that's all.

Iw is not there for me. She doesn't have any time, I probably don't worth it as I used to do. But that doesn't matter. I still like her very much and I always will. I can promise I always will. Because she is a person I cannot just hate. Or just stop like. I like her and I always will. And I think that will always be my biggest fail. My biggest mistake.
Is it my fault? I haven't done anything... I have just started dating MK. And I am very sorry that it had to end up this way. But I used to like him.

But after him I am unable to move on. Because I cannot stand any other relationship. Because the one before didn't work. I know that and that's the reason I think I'll always be alone. Because I cannot imagine myself with anyone. I don't do relationships. I am very bad at that. And I don't know what I am supposed to do. I really don't know.

Why are those things happening to me? Isn't this enough? Does the God hate me? Or anyone else?

And no one else talks to me.

Sometimes I write things

After some time I wonder whether this actually IS something. I guess you know what I mean...

It is sad but no one actually remembers me afterwards we meet. I don't know anyone who does. So it makes me wonder whether I am so much nothing or they are nothing even more. For example I think that on the second breath I actually am something to someone. Usually someone you can laugh at and he lets you. But I am something. And that is all I can ever got.

And I am aware that unless I'll change myself I can't be anything more. I cannot be someone you take seriously I cannot be someone who you can be with - and I even am not able to be with you. I am emotionally challenged. Or at least I think so - and all other people think so also because though all of them would say that is not true it is - they look like that and they can't imagine anything more. For example being more then just a stranger but even very, very good friend.

And the way I see other people's relationships I actually envy them that. And sometimes I jealous because those people mean something to me and I also want to have the same relationship with them. So in the end my biggest problem is that I am actually alone.

Because T. is my best friend but she is the way ahead and I am still standing here and complaining about my life. Because she has the chance to be like this. And though I am still trying to avoid this break I can't because I am already broken like I always am. Because I again won't go to England and I again will be stuck in this stupid country suffering because I've chosen the wrong way. Forever alone because that is how I am destined to be. That is how I feel. And I am so - so sorry.

I am listening to this song and I actually wonder if that actually means something to this person. If he actually wants to sing this because he feels that and he actually can express what he feels - because to be honest - who can scream into the world what he feels? I can't... Though I've been trying for such a long time. I don't care... But you already know that, don't you?

I am sorry - I am just talking to myself. But that is something you are not surprised to hear, are you?

And one more thing - I am not born to talk English ... I am not born to be English... or American... or French... or Spanish... of Finnish or any other country that is actually attractive some way... So I am sorry for my English - but I've been trying...

My own surprise

It was a prom yesterday. You know - those people who are about 2 years older then us - me. And many pairs who love each other and people I know and people I care about.

The worst of all is that while I was standing there and watching those people coming for their cup of fame and the went through the rain of coins I discovered one thing.

I actually care about him. Like I really, really like him. And I always liked him. You know - the way that he is hot (handsome) and funny and irresponsible and nice.

It doesn't matter anyway because he is in love with his girlfriend and I am actually glad. Because I know that it wouldn't end well anyway. So I just know that it is supposed to be like this.

Why was I talking to him at previous prom? Why was I?

I don't know. But to be honest - it's killing me. For a few months I've been thinking about another person I will like like I used to like him before. And I guess I've found him. But I am not this kind of girl who will talk or cry about it. I am just a girl who is loved by one boy she doesn't love. But nothing more. No one else. And it's a good thing because I am not good at relationships. I always do something stupid - laugh at the one I like because I can. Rude because it's not the way I imagined.

I am so sad about that. But whatever. I won't mention it again. I just wanted to have it. I just wanted to say that to someone. And ignore the fact that it will never work - because admit it - he'll leave and I won't have even chance to get to know him. Be friend with him because that is enough for me.

And the other one was great. He is so nice person when he doesn't try other way. And if he were this way always I would like him more then he knows - no the Love way. Just like him. Secrets are nothing to me. Because it screams in my mouth and I have no one to talk about that. I can't talk to him about that because he doesn't know I know. I can't talk about it with T because she doesn't know I know it. I can't talk about that with Iw because she actually have no time for me - just me. But it doesn't matter.

I am alone in this. And why am I writing it here? Because I hope someone'll understand and won't judge me because I like someone who's dating someone else. It's just a feeling and I cannot just make it stop whether I choose.

So please understand what I mean to say...