I want to see London

I have one big dream lately - I wish I could visit London. You know.. True London. Live there, work there for while - if I am very lucky study there as well (in some really good school) and other similar things. I wish that so MUCH...

And that makes me trembling. I want to be one day different you know...  Anyway.. Have a nice day---

The perfect guy

I am in love.. by the way :-) The most beautiful and talented boy and I must always like someone like that..
He is beautiful.. like very very hot.. he is actually very cute - mostly because he sometimes looks so confused and so silly... and he is though very adult.

He can everything that requires perfect boy - like plays the guitar - I haven't seen many better players.. he plays all those perfect songs I always wanted to learn.. he is funny he is smart he is talented he wants to be a teacher. He plays piano - he can all those perfect piano songs why I want to learn play it as well. He is not selfish, he doesn't need to show everybody he can play. He sings perfectly.

He talked to me. He has a best friend - one of those you can tell everything. And it's a boy. Something I  haven't seen in my life. He is so hot, so nice, so sweet. I just wanted to write that somewhere. He is one of those I would love to be with one day.

Why does this always have to be like that? Why am I not as great as he is? Why can't I be for once so perfect that people would love to be with me. But I am always the childish one. I am always the crazy one. I am the one who keeps dreaming about boys but never gather enough courage to ask them out. Or at least ask them at all. I would love to be brave - for once in my life.

I want to be so perfect like T. Because she is perfect. Though I guess I've learnt how to wish her only the best things. I am so glad it ended up this way. Though I really envy her the trip to Canada. I also want to go to Canada for a half of a year. But I won't let that be a problem. I want to wish her only the best things. I want to be a good person. And I want to try an university or collage in any different country. If that works out - I would be the happiest person on the planet.. and that's the point, isn't it?

Hurt

Yesterday one of the most important people in my life told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He told me just that it's his fault - but can that be his fault? I'm the one who made something wrong - because he doesn't want to talk to me. I am the wrong one there.

And today (in a pub) he just ignored me all time long. He didn't say anything to me. He was talking to all those people (sitting as far from me as was possible) and T was asking me whether I was OK. But the truth is that I wasn't OK. I take those things personally and I've already lost him once. And now another time. And it might seem childish - but I don't want to loose him.

But I can see I do. And I can only be there and write that on the internet because that's all. And it really hurts me. I am not OK. And I am not quite sure if I should be.

So I am just crying a bit. And writing sad status on the internet. And I was keeping myself alife about one more half a year than before. And now it is finally there. The sadness and lost. And I am a bit afraid I have a broken heart. Which is even worse than I thought. Because I didn't want that.

I actually didn't want any of this. But I guess I have no other option than keep sitting there and being alone. Because that's actually all I can (and I am able) to do.

I just know I am going to miss him - miss him a lot. Because he's very important - he's not aware of that though. And that's a pity. I just wish all those things go away...

Anyway.. thanks for reading this.. or at least - thanks for viewing this ... and thanks for understanding this. Thank you all a lot...