Sometimes I write things

After some time I wonder whether this actually IS something. I guess you know what I mean...

It is sad but no one actually remembers me afterwards we meet. I don't know anyone who does. So it makes me wonder whether I am so much nothing or they are nothing even more. For example I think that on the second breath I actually am something to someone. Usually someone you can laugh at and he lets you. But I am something. And that is all I can ever got.

And I am aware that unless I'll change myself I can't be anything more. I cannot be someone you take seriously I cannot be someone who you can be with - and I even am not able to be with you. I am emotionally challenged. Or at least I think so - and all other people think so also because though all of them would say that is not true it is - they look like that and they can't imagine anything more. For example being more then just a stranger but even very, very good friend.

And the way I see other people's relationships I actually envy them that. And sometimes I jealous because those people mean something to me and I also want to have the same relationship with them. So in the end my biggest problem is that I am actually alone.

Because T. is my best friend but she is the way ahead and I am still standing here and complaining about my life. Because she has the chance to be like this. And though I am still trying to avoid this break I can't because I am already broken like I always am. Because I again won't go to England and I again will be stuck in this stupid country suffering because I've chosen the wrong way. Forever alone because that is how I am destined to be. That is how I feel. And I am so - so sorry.

I am listening to this song and I actually wonder if that actually means something to this person. If he actually wants to sing this because he feels that and he actually can express what he feels - because to be honest - who can scream into the world what he feels? I can't... Though I've been trying for such a long time. I don't care... But you already know that, don't you?

I am sorry - I am just talking to myself. But that is something you are not surprised to hear, are you?

And one more thing - I am not born to talk English ... I am not born to be English... or American... or French... or Spanish... of Finnish or any other country that is actually attractive some way... So I am sorry for my English - but I've been trying...