tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55014608606018326552024-03-13T10:42:04.334-07:00Does the God hate us?Do not trust inhuman creatures... Not ever been hurt by the tears of human...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-78038182630672679492022-08-17T02:10:00.000-07:002022-08-17T02:10:03.961-07:00Monsters<p>Žiju ve strachu. Ve strachu samy ze sebe. Je to jakobych to vlastně ani nebyla já. Ale jsem to já. Je to přeci jen mé vlastní tělo. </p><p>Ale děsí mě to.</p><p>Pronásledují mne příšery. Příšery, které jsou ještě děsivější, než by se člověku mohlo zdát. Jsou totiž neviditelné, ale zmocňují se mého těla. Zmocňují se ho a naprosto ho ovládají. Ovládají pak mou mysl, mé emoce, mé myšlenky.</p><p>A tak se jim snažím vzdorovat. Snažím se s nimi bojovat. Nenechat jim jejich celou kontrolu. Vysvětlit svému tělu, že to nejsem já. Že to je příšera, které by se mělo bát.</p><p>Ale tělo neslyší. Takže jediným opravdovým výsledkem je to, že se mne ty příšery zmocní. Vždy znenadání. Když to ani nečekám. Zmocní se mě, a za mého vědomí si dělají co chtějí. A já tak jen můžu pozorovat příšeru, jak se mne drží, aniž bych s tím zvládla cokoliv udělat. Vidím, jak si dělá, co jenom chce, ale můžu jen v duchu plakat a modlit se k tomu, že brzy odejde.</p><p>A nezbývá mi nic jiného, než s ní bojovat.</p><p>Protože, kdo by věřil někomu, kdo páchá takové činy, a věřil tomu, že to je příšera? Přece jen to je výmluva, ne?</p><p>A pak sama přemýšlím nad tím, jestli to je opravdu příšera, nebo jestli ta příšera náhodou nejsem já sama.</p><p>Bojím se.</p><p>Žiju ve strachu.<br /></p>Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-54783818164051520782014-12-13T16:17:00.002-08:002014-12-13T16:17:31.571-08:00I want to tell...<div style="text-align: justify;">
People say that in relationship there must be total honesty as well as complete sacrifice so the other one would be truly happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The problem is that to make sacrifice you can't tell everything to the other person. Like I've written an article about T. I wrote it about him and I wrote how I love him and how I would love to live with him. But at the end I am just angry. And to be... fair, I can't tell him that. I don't tell him so many things just in order to keep him from being hurt. I am so sorry, love, but what else was I supposed to do? Tell you I love you more than myself? I actually do.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I hate this showing off. Making the other one to feel worse. I want him to be happy, I don't want him to be sad and unhappy. And I certainly don't want him to feel quilty. That is the core of the fact. I keep some things to myself because I love him. And I'd rather keep it to myself because it isn't worth him being sad. I love him, I need him to smile, not to blame himself.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But I cannot change everything, can I?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am hundred percent honest with him. And I tell him everything important. And sometimes it hurts to know that I've been making sacrifices and he probably doesn't see that. Like me and psychology. I wanted to do that just to make him happy, proud of me. I would love to surprise him and make him happy with something like this.</div>
Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-52827280207976508542014-09-23T07:06:00.001-07:002022-08-17T02:12:35.138-07:00Posting titleI think I am trying to destroy myself... I mean...<br />
<br />
Would would the God think of me? I believe in him and I know he's there, inside of me, and yet I don't pray. I don't thank him or beg him. I just know he's here and he'll always be there...<br />
<br />
But I didn't want to talk about him. It's just like an viscious circle. You can't leave unless you give a huge sacrifice and I can't do that. Ever.<br />
<br />
I cheated on my boyfriend once. It was only once and it was a half year ago. I think I'll never forgive myself that. But thank God that he did.<br />
<br />
I wonder whether all people can feel it. That love I feel. It consists of everything... There is everything... Heart burning passion which makes my heart beat and beat so fast and my skin burn like a fire. But also has safety that calms all my body and destroyes the nightmares. And there is also the pure love. That feeling that you cannot describe any other way. It's there and it consumes our souls. And somehow I truly believe that it will never leave...<br />
<br />
And I want to know whether all people can feel it. I wish they could because everyone deserves this feeling. I think that if you feel something alike, you cannot just be a bad person. Because love is supposed to bring everything good on the surface.<br />
<br />
So that's it. That's my story. And maybe it won't be so exciting anymore for other people. But I believe that for me... it will always be exciting, when I have love on my side... right?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-15533209779792481682014-05-07T12:19:00.001-07:002014-05-07T12:19:15.176-07:00I hate my lifeJesus, I hate my life..<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think I am about to cry right now... Right before my graduation I do nothing, I cry in my room because I am supposed to be alone.. I am so sad about this now.. And I don't know what I am about to do..</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am like dead right now and this is so beaten..</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And this is killing me so much!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I hate my life right now. Except of my boyfriend who I love. I love my boyfriend like crazy. And that's it. I do so much shit right now right away.. I just need to tell that to somebody.. And I don't want to tell it my boy. Because I am tired of that. I don't want to bother him so much so often.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I just think I need a big break. Like life saving break. And I'm having a break right now. That's what I wanted to say.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think something is very hurting me. Something is sucking my energy out of me and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. It's over now I guess.. I mean.. Jesus, why can't my life leave me alone..</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I want to cry so hard right now!! I need to cry and I can't because I'm calling with him. And that's understandable. And I'm calling right now and I am crying right now. And that's what I deserve.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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And I know people, that you don't care about how I feel, but I need to tell it the world. I'm counting that nobody is reading this right now...</div>
Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-57496595572009952912013-08-03T12:34:00.001-07:002013-08-03T12:34:14.321-07:00I suckI mean.. it's just a writing, right? It isn't anything important, right? It's just this stupid writing, right?<br />
Then why am I so sad when someone says that I suck?<br />
How come that it hurts so much?<br />
How come it makes me cry?<br />
Why was I so self-confident?<br />
I will never publish book!!<br />
Get real, you stupid girl!<br />
Why would a girl like you ever published a book, right?<br />
Why would anybody care about you?<br />
No.. of course it's not like that..<br />
You are just not that good at writing...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-45157235122726070552013-08-03T05:51:00.000-07:002013-08-03T05:51:00.741-07:00MichaelMichael,<br />
my hear is aching. I feel so alone that the tears of pain and full of bitterness are falling from my face.<br />
Once you told me a legend of a god who was collecting human tears and hid them in his pillow. So he would never forget how pain looks like. Feels like...<br />
I know, Michael, I know... it all started when we were younger and the god to take care of people he was supposed to take care of. And he didn't care. So ever since he had to pick up the tears of sadness and play a music of heart.<br />
Wasn't it an angel, Michael? I don't really remember...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-88171202721422127292013-08-02T05:36:00.000-07:002013-08-02T05:36:00.106-07:00Does this numbness have a reason?Does this numbness have a reason?<br />
Those days of empty words and meaningless smiles?<br />
Or are they here just to punish us before we fall into hell?<br />
Maybe it's just defil himslef watching our lives...<br />
What happened to us?<br />
That we're now looking into a mirror without any rocognization of the person on the other side.<br />
Where did they go?<br />
Leaving us with our dark souls and tears of sadness on our lips. Hating the shadows that have left.<br />
Are those shadows really us? Who are we now?<br />
Sleeping of desperate loneliness that caputred our soul.<br />
Maybe this all has a meaning.<br />
Why didn't they take us with them?<br />
Wondering how long we can (would) survive witout our dark mind like floewers without sun and water. Dry and colourless.<br />
How could have this happened?<br />
Did we do it unaware of are there some who can we blame for those hurtful intentions?<br />
<br />
Does this numbness have a reason?<br />
Or are we being punished?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-15720816163730448742013-08-01T05:44:00.000-07:002013-08-01T05:44:00.289-07:00Don't... just don'tDon't come close unless you're sure of me.<br />
Don't come close unless you're sure you won't hurt me.<br />
I've been through so much pain recently<br />
and you've been hurting me over and over again.<br />
<br />
Don't leave me behind when you decide to face the truth.<br />
Don't show your feelings unless they're true<br />
don't pretend that your life is perfectly smooth<br />
it's too late for me to feel pure.<br />
<br />
Don't cry on my shoulder when you don't feel sad.<br />
Don't tell me that you missed me when you didn't,<br />
just leave me alone if you think it'll end up bad.<br />
And don't go near me if you think you shouldn't.<br />
<br />
<i>We both are way too old to play games...</i><br />
<br />
Don't say that you love me when you're in love with somebody else,<br />
don't touch me when you don't need it.<br />
It's just my bad feeling of a very cruel jest<br />
and my mouth just wants to spit.<br />
<br />
And most of all don't lie to me,<br />
don't think that I am less<br />
don't believe it's easy for me<br />
and don't think that all you have to do is kiss.<br />
just don't think that that's what it is....<br />
<br />
<i><b>I am just to vulnerable to feel like this...</b></i>Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-53695268271775001212013-07-31T05:11:00.001-07:002013-07-31T05:11:44.135-07:00How did we get here?How did we get here?<br />
On this planet and into this planet.<br />
It seems like the fate is playing us and laughing behind the curtain. Explaining everything that hurt me.<br />
Why did they leave me?<br />
Was I really so bad person that they left me alone?<br />
I wish I could know what the future holds. Will it embrace me like I embraced my dead soul?<br />
The burity of my body left me. Now there are only damned cruel thoughts in my mind. Eating me alive...<br />
And I'm just hiding under the covers.<br />
How could this happen to anybody?<br />
Is God really such a bad person? Is this actually leading me somewhere?<br />
True and hones.<br />
Why am I weeping on the ground?<br />
I thought I was over that...<br />
Clearly I wasn't...<br />
Is mourning actually leading us somewhere or do we do that just to get rid of that blame which is hauting us forever...<br />
How did I get here?<br />
How could this happen?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-78791349614434329872013-05-24T08:15:00.000-07:002013-05-24T08:15:33.326-07:00My latest workIt is really nice to have a diary with everything so secret that even I forget. Like.. who would suspect that I have something else, right?<br />
<br />
I must admit this is new to me. Feeling something in my life. Having new friends. I even must admit that I don't miss my current friends. I just don't miss my ex best friend. Even though she was my best friend. She just left me. And I can't force myself to feel something like friendship anymore.. I mean.. she made a choice.. and she made the right one.. but sometimes you must lose something to gain something else. And she should know that by now.<br />
<br />
She has a lot of experience, she used to be there for me, and she can English much more. But that's it. I am not going to try to act like someone else because I am not. She lost me. I know, it is not a great lost, but it is. And that doesn't mean that the past was something else.. it just was.. there.. and it did something to me. I am just tired of that, really.. and it is not funny anymore. But what to say? This world is leaving me behind...<br />
<br />
All right then.. I guess that's all I wanted to say...<br />
<br />
Thanks a lot...<br />
<br />
Bye...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-10499615035896699722012-02-19T03:39:00.000-08:002012-02-19T03:39:22.395-08:00I want to see LondonI have one big dream lately - I wish I could visit London. You know.. True London. Live there, work there for while - if I am very lucky study there as well (in some really good school) and other similar things. I wish that so MUCH...<br />
<br />
And that makes me trembling. I want to be one day different you know... Anyway.. Have a nice day---Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-3212598955474494942012-02-07T06:34:00.000-08:002012-02-07T06:34:36.918-08:00The perfect guyI am in love.. by the way :-) The most beautiful and talented boy and I must always like someone like that..<br />
He is beautiful.. like very very hot.. he is actually very cute - mostly because he sometimes looks so confused and so silly... and he is though very adult.<br />
<br />
He can everything that requires perfect boy - like plays the guitar - I haven't seen many better players.. he plays all those perfect songs I always wanted to learn.. he is funny he is smart he is talented he wants to be a teacher. He plays piano - he can all those perfect piano songs why I want to learn play it as well. He is not selfish, he doesn't need to show everybody he can play. He sings perfectly.<br />
<br />
He talked to me. He has a best friend - one of those you can tell everything. And it's a boy. Something I haven't seen in my life. He is so hot, so nice, so sweet. I just wanted to write that somewhere. He is one of those I would love to be with one day.<br />
<br />
Why does this always have to be like that? Why am I not as great as he is? Why can't I be for once so perfect that people would love to be with me. But I am always the childish one. I am always the crazy one. I am the one who keeps dreaming about boys but never gather enough courage to ask them out. Or at least ask them at all. I would love to be brave - for once in my life.<br />
<br />
I want to be so perfect like T. Because she is perfect. Though I guess I've learnt how to wish her only the best things. I am so glad it ended up this way. Though I really envy her the trip to Canada. I also want to go to Canada for a half of a year. But I won't let that be a problem. I want to wish her only the best things. I want to be a good person. And I want to try an university or collage in any different country. If that works out - I would be the happiest person on the planet.. and that's the point, isn't it?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-10150828488224428672012-01-21T14:24:00.000-08:002012-01-21T14:24:04.693-08:00HurtYesterday one of the most important people in my life told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He told me just that it's his fault - but can that be his fault? I'm the one who made something wrong - because he doesn't want to talk to me. I am the wrong one there.<br />
<br />
And today (in a pub) he just ignored me all time long. He didn't say anything to me. He was talking to all those people (sitting as far from me as was possible) and T was asking me whether I was OK. But the truth is that I wasn't OK. I take those things personally and I've already lost him once. And now another time. And it might seem childish - but I don't want to loose him.<br />
<br />
But I can see I do. And I can only be there and write that on the internet because that's all. And it really hurts me. I am not OK. And I am not quite sure if I should be.<br />
<br />
So I am just crying a bit. And writing sad status on the internet. And I was keeping myself alife about one more half a year than before. And now it is finally there. The sadness and lost. And I am a bit afraid I have a broken heart. Which is even worse than I thought. Because I didn't want that.<br />
<br />
I actually didn't want any of this. But I guess I have no other option than keep sitting there and being alone. Because that's actually all I can (and I am able) to do.<br />
<br />
I just know I am going to miss him - miss him a lot. Because he's very important - he's not aware of that though. And that's a pity. I just wish all those things go away...<br />
<br />
Anyway.. thanks for reading this.. or at least - thanks for viewing this ... and thanks for understanding this. Thank you all a lot...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-82286206971732001582011-12-19T12:01:00.000-08:002011-12-19T12:01:46.071-08:00UnhappyUnhappy - as most of others...<br />
My the most favourite teacher is happy now. Very, very happy and I cannot share that. Because I don't feel like that. I don't feel as happy as I am supposed to be.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I guess I just wanted to say that I've been missing something - maybe some contact between two people (though I don't miss a relationship - I guess I am not a dating type..)<br />
<br />
And I also miss someone who would be... I guess my best friend. Not the way T. is - although she is great she doesn't understand those things. She doesn't say you are perfect - even though she believes that. She doesn't understand unhappiness. And that is a good thing - and the reason why I can't tell her everything. I can't because she wouldn't understand the way I need.<br />
<br />
I cannot say that to Ytam because he doesn't care actually. He cares just because after that he can talk about himself. And because we are his trophies. Something he can swagger with. Someone else who's told him everything in five minutes of talking!<br />
<br />
My sister simply doesn't care and she thinks my problems are stupid for teenagers of my edge. She also doesn't care. And that's all.<br />
<br />
Iw is not there for me. She doesn't have any time, I probably don't worth it as I used to do. But that doesn't matter. I still like her very much and I always will. I can promise I always will. Because she is a person I cannot just hate. Or just stop like. I like her and I always will. And I think that will always be my biggest fail. My biggest mistake.<br />
Is it my fault? I haven't done anything... I have just started dating MK. And I am very sorry that it had to end up this way. But I used to like him.<br />
<br />
But after him I am unable to move on. Because I cannot stand any other relationship. Because the one before didn't work. I know that and that's the reason I think I'll always be alone. Because I cannot imagine myself with anyone. I don't do relationships. I am very bad at that. And I don't know what I am supposed to do. I really don't know.<br />
<br />
Why are those things happening to me? Isn't this enough? Does the God hate me? Or anyone else?<br />
<br />
And no one else talks to me.Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-22581286944049740782011-12-04T09:40:00.001-08:002011-12-04T12:50:06.799-08:00Sometimes I write thingsAfter some time I wonder whether this actually IS something. I guess you know what I mean...<br />
<br />
It is sad but no one actually remembers me afterwards we meet. I don't know anyone who does. So it makes me wonder whether I am so much nothing or they are nothing even more. For example I think that on the second breath I actually am something to someone. Usually someone you can laugh at and he lets you. But I am something. And that is all I can ever got.<br />
<br />
And I am aware that unless I'll change myself I can't be anything more. I cannot be someone you take seriously I cannot be someone who you can be with - and I even am not able to be with you. I am emotionally challenged. Or at least I think so - and all other people think so also because though all of them would say that is not true it is - they look like that and they can't imagine anything more. For example being more then just a stranger but even very, very good friend.<br />
<br />
And the way I see other people's relationships I actually envy them that. And sometimes I jealous because those people mean something to me and I also want to have the same relationship with them. So in the end my biggest problem is that I am actually alone.<br />
<br />
Because T. is my best friend but she is the way ahead and I am still standing here and complaining about my life. Because she has the chance to be like this. And though I am still trying to avoid this break I can't because I am already broken like I always am. Because I again won't go to England and I again will be stuck in this stupid country suffering because I've chosen the wrong way. Forever alone because that is how I am destined to be. That is how I feel. And I am so - so sorry.<br />
<br />
I am listening to this song and I actually wonder if that actually means something to this person. If he actually wants to sing this because he feels that and he actually can express what he feels - because to be honest - who can scream into the world what he feels? I can't... Though I've been trying for such a long time. I don't care... But you already know that, don't you?<br />
<br />
I am sorry - I am just talking to myself. But that is something you are not surprised to hear, are you?<br />
<br />
And one more thing - I am not born to talk English ... I am not born to be English... or American... or French... or Spanish... of Finnish or any other country that is actually attractive some way... So I am sorry for my English - but I've been trying...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-2076989310934255352011-12-03T03:13:00.001-08:002011-12-03T03:30:42.135-08:00My own surpriseIt was a prom yesterday. You know - those people who are about 2 years older then us - me. And many pairs who love each other and people I know and people I care about.<br />
<br />
The worst of all is that while I was standing there and watching those people coming for their cup of fame and the went through the rain of coins I discovered one thing.<br />
<br />
I actually care about him. Like I really, really like him. And I always liked him. You know - the way that he is hot (handsome) and funny and irresponsible and nice.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter anyway because he is in love with his girlfriend and I am actually glad. Because I know that it wouldn't end well anyway. So I just know that it is supposed to be like this.<br />
<br />
Why was I talking to him at previous prom? Why was I?<br />
<br />
I don't know. But to be honest - it's killing me. For a few months I've been thinking about another person I will like like I used to like him before. And I guess I've found him. But I am not this kind of girl who will talk or cry about it. I am just a girl who is loved by one boy she doesn't love. But nothing more. No one else. And it's a good thing because I am not good at relationships. I always do something stupid - laugh at the one I like because I can. Rude because it's not the way I imagined.<br />
<br />
I am so sad about that. But whatever. I won't mention it again. I just wanted to have it. I just wanted to say that to someone. And ignore the fact that it will never work - because admit it - he'll leave and I won't have even chance to get to know him. Be friend with him because that is enough for me.<br />
<br />
And the other one was great. He is so nice person when he doesn't try other way. And if he were this way always I would like him more then he knows - no the Love way. Just like him. Secrets are nothing to me. Because it screams in my mouth and I have no one to talk about that. I can't talk to him about that because he doesn't know I know. I can't talk about it with T because she doesn't know I know it. I can't talk about that with Iw because she actually have no time for me - just me. But it doesn't matter.<br />
<br />
I am alone in this. And why am I writing it here? Because I hope someone'll understand and won't judge me because I like someone who's dating someone else. It's just a feeling and I cannot just make it stop whether I choose.<br />
<br />
So please understand what I mean to say...Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-44894107044892659572011-10-31T13:28:00.000-07:002011-10-31T13:28:34.308-07:00Dark pumpkinToday is one of the most amazing days I've ever heard of - Halloween.<br />
<br />
I had the chance to meet Halloween itself. If you know what I mean. I was taken by Samhalin. Thrown right into the arms of dead people which are celebrated this time.<br />
<br />
Smalin. Old Celtic father of Halloween - as I was told. And something took my hand.<br />
<br />
Oh no! - Has he really an axe in his head! Where am I and why is standing right next to him man with a pumpkin instead of head? What is going on here?<br />
<br />
And then I see a knife and suddenly I have a real hole in my chest.<br />
<br />
And after some time I am screaming by fear and pain that is actually happening to me. And then they are taking my skin off and flesh afterwards. What is happening to me?<br />
<br />
And suddenly I have only bones and nothing else..<br />
<br />
WTF?<br />
<br />
And now it's me who scares kids now...<br />
<br />
MUHEHEMarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-37693016365185823662011-10-20T08:19:00.000-07:002011-10-20T08:19:19.994-07:00Am I angry again?I was told that I should behave. I was told that I will be missed. Nothing of this is actually real. Because otherwise that would mean I should be the best person on the planet. And I am not this kind of person.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I would appreciate if people underestimate me. Because that would mean no disappointment. Though I would suffer because no one on this planet believes in me. But I feel like sometimes people except too much. And because they believe it I believe it too. So in the end I won't disappoint just them. I will disappoint me as well.<br />
<br />
And what could be worse then disappointment from myself?<br />
<br />
I know that sounds very confident - but I think that people overestimate me sometimes. Like teachers who expects me to be good but I am not because I can't. Or parents who believe teachers.<br />
<br />
Or people who think that I can do that. But I can't. That happened to me so many times that I am surprised of myself. Because I haven't lost my confidence. I am still confident and I still know who I am. And I am proud of that. Because that is what people miss or what they think is attractive - it is only easy - doing like I don't have any confidence - like I hate myself.<br />
<br />
But this sort of people is not attractive anymore. Usually it is just the way how you can look poor or sad. Bud sadness is not what people are looking for.<br />
<br />
So just forget you've read this page.<br />
<br />
Thanks :-<br />
<br />
Your dear friend - I hope dearest<br />
<br />
MarMarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-18718283162787100332011-10-06T12:00:00.000-07:002011-10-06T12:00:33.190-07:00Internet - nothing worse...Don't ever - EVER buy something over the internet... My sister did and that's how it looks now.... she has nothing... well.. I am bit sorry for her.. but it is mostly her mistake. She wants to save money and she has nothing...<br />
That is mostly her fault and she will be the one who is unhappy... I am a bit sorry...<br />
Don't ever do the same thing!Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-73977698118428877862011-09-13T12:12:00.000-07:002011-09-13T12:12:26.403-07:00HypocriticalOnce upon a time there was a little girl who couldn't talk. That was not because she missed her tongue or lips were together (I have to admit that would be really ugly) but she was mentally challenged. Or to be more specific - she was an idiot.<br />
<br />
She was a shame for her parents. The hated her but they were too scared to admit that. She blamed him and he blamed her. They both were guilty and non of them cared.<br />
<br />
And the princess begged their parents because she wanted to play with them. She loved them and they hated her. Everyone hated her...<br />
<br />
So once.. when she again tried to talk (but she couldn't because she was an idiot) an beautiful fairy appeared and asked little princess what is wrong. But little girl couldn't talk so fairy thought there is nothing wrong and left without saying goodbye.Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-13668595952743202612011-09-11T08:53:00.000-07:002011-09-11T08:53:11.576-07:00I am lostToday I've lost the only thing I like about myself... Today and I can't blame anyone but myself.<br />
<br />
I like my hair. That is the only thing I actually like about myself. I liked. Because it was long. Long and so comfortable. It felt good when I touched it and it felt even better when I played with that. I really liked mi hair. Actually I loved it but probably it doesn't matter anyway.<br />
<br />
I wanted my sister to cut it because it needed it. The only thing I care about in my life. And I trusted my sister because it is important to me.<br />
<br />
And now I have so short hair and I look so much fatter. But I really don't want to blame her. So it will be just my little pity... The truth about my hair... Something I liked. And now it is gone...<br />
<br />
But I have no right to blame anyone but myself... Oh my god! Why am I doing this?<br />
<br />
Please... Never let me go... Please..<br />
<br />
And now... I don't like anything about me... I hate my body and I hate my hair even more. I am so sorry... But I really want to be brave about that.. Although I cried and cried. Although I am still crying and I think I will cry always when I see it again. Mirrors are now my enemies. Why did that happen?<br />
<br />
It had to grow for 4 years... And it even didn't reach my waist. That was the dream I couldn't wait for. And it will never come true, will it?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-23752784483385942382011-09-04T01:21:00.000-07:002011-09-04T01:21:37.759-07:00Walt DisneyI am watching all those films now.. They are so beautiful and so sweet. Everything ends up well.. Everything has only beautiful people and everywhere is so nice English.. I miss my young me... I really do..<div><br />
</div><div>Oh my god I hate my diary!! </div><div><br />
</div><div>I've changed my blog again... I don't know why I am still doing that... It is always the same.. And I still hate it... Although I am not able to run from it... I just am sick of my blog and I don't do anything with that... </div><div><br />
</div><div>Speak of running.. remember how I told you about the not-single boy? I slept next to him.. but I couldn't fall asleep.. so I run away.. really I really run away.. disappeared and that was so amazing feeling... I am so hypocritical... I am :-)... never mind</div><div><br />
</div><div>Today I had a dream... I was talking to Iwish's boyfriend.. but not because I like him or something like that (because I don't).. but because even her boyfriend was talking to me but she didn't.. that is why I was so sad in that dream... I just wish she starts to talk to me again... that would be so good!!</div><div><br />
</div><div>But she won't unless I will start (and I can't say even that for sure).. and I am proud and I am afraid of the truth... </div><div><br />
</div><div>I found out that I didn't miss school at all because it was still such a stupid thing!! Never mind... </div><div><br />
</div><div>Goodbye </div>Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-23544037780976280442011-09-04T01:00:00.000-07:002011-09-04T01:00:19.836-07:00Beauty and the BeastI saw this movie a few days ago (two actually) and I really like the men who talks at the beginning. He has so wonderful voice... I just want to know who he is because I couldn't find that.. because if I would I would try to find something else with his voice.. perhaps he's read some book aloud..<br />
.<br />
Anyway.. That is not the point..<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #660000;">For who could ever learn to love a beast...</span><br />
<br />
And then I realised that perhaps I am a beast... not exactly from the outside view, but the whole film isn't about the look.. it is about the emotional part. And I am not quite sure that someone could ever love me (and to be honest I really don't want to be in love with someone)...<br />
And when I think about that I don't deserve anything...<br />
My friend told me that if he wouldn't know me he would judge me the worst way... And then I think about that and then I know that if someone starts to know me I should run away.. Because I am not a good person.. And this person starts to know me... And that is the worst thing imaginable..<br />
<br />
I started something with a boy who has got a girlfriend... And that is pathetic... But I couldn't stop (I did but after minutes of ... well... we hadn't slept together)<br />
<br />
And I feel guilty.. and it is so wrong.. I guess I need someone. Have someone so I could stop with those mistakes that I regret and I can't sleep... I am such a jerk!!<br />
Do you know someone?<br />
<br />
I am a Beast, aren't I?Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-60292081651999798972011-08-13T23:48:00.000-07:002011-08-13T23:48:11.516-07:00I miss my life..I miss school.. I know I shouldn't and it is hard to admit it.. but I do.. because I miss easy life.. no job... I miss when I can do anything I want.. I miss that... but that is OK...<br />
<br />
I can't write anymore.. I've lost my inspiration.. so I can't do anything...<br />
<br />
goodbye my friends... :-) I am in the middle... <br />
<br />
<br />
Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5501460860601832655.post-16221901454453279562011-08-01T15:26:00.000-07:002011-08-01T15:26:02.473-07:00Pero.. mi español no está buena...Mi espa<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bbbbbb; font-family: Bentham; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">ñol no esá bonita.. pero... quiero... quiero a donvertirme buena...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bbbbbb; font-family: Bentham; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bbbbbb; font-family: Bentham; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">Hasta luego...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bbbbbb; font-family: Bentham; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #bbbbbb; font-family: Bentham; font-size: 17px; line-height: 23px;">Mis amigos solos.. ;)</span>Marhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03880740414991885997noreply@blogger.com0