Pathtic girl

Diary, short stories, the most important...
At first we learn to walk then learn to scream..

Saturday, 13 December 2014

I want to tell...

People say that in relationship there must be total honesty as well as complete sacrifice so the other one would be truly happy.

The problem is that to make sacrifice you can't tell everything to the other person. Like I've written an article about T. I wrote it about him and I wrote how I love him and how I would love to live with him. But at the end I am just angry. And to be... fair, I can't tell him that. I don't tell him so many things just in order to keep him from being hurt. I am so sorry, love, but what else was I supposed to do? Tell you I love you more than myself? I actually do.

I hate this showing off. Making the other one to feel worse. I want him to be happy, I don't want him to be sad and unhappy. And I certainly don't want him to feel quilty. That is the core of the fact. I keep some things to myself because I love him. And I'd rather keep it to myself because it isn't worth him being sad. I love him, I need him to smile, not to blame himself.

But I cannot change everything, can I?

I am hundred percent honest with him. And I tell him everything important. And sometimes it hurts to know that I've been making sacrifices and he probably doesn't see that. Like me and psychology. I wanted to do that just to make him happy, proud of me. I would love to surprise him and make him happy with something like this.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Posting title

I think I am trying to destroy myself... I mean...

Would would the God think of me? I believe in him and I know he's there, inside of me, and yet I don't pray. I don't thank him or beg him. I just know he's here and he'll always be there...

But I didn't want to talk about him. It's just like an enchanted circle. You can't leave unless you give a huge sacrifice and I can't do that. Ever.

I cheated on my boyfriend once. It was only once and it was a half year ago. I think I'll never forgive myself that. But thank God that he did.

I wonder whether all people can feel it. That love I feel. It consists of everything... There is everything... Heart burning passion which makes my heart beat and beat so fast and my skin burn like a fire. But also has safety that calms all my body and destroyes the nightmares. And there is also the pure love. That feeling that you cannot describe any other way. It's there and it consumes our souls. And somehow I truly believe that it will never leave...

And I want to know whether all people can feel it. I wish they could because everyone deserves this feeling. I think that if you feel something alike, you cannot just be a bad person. Because love is supposed to bring everything good on the surface.

So that's it. That's my story. And maybe it won't be so exciting anymore for other people. But I believe that for me... it will always be exciting, when I have love on my side... right?

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

I hate my life

Jesus, I hate my life..
I think I am about to cry right now... Right before my graduation I do nothing, I cry in my room because I am supposed to be alone.. I am so sad about this now.. And I don't know what I am about to do..
I am like dead right now and this is so beaten..
And this is killing me so much!

I hate my life right now. Except of my boyfriend who I love. I love my boyfriend like crazy. And that's it. I do so much shit right now right away.. I just need to tell that to somebody.. And I don't want to tell it my boy. Because I am tired of that. I don't want to bother him so much so often.

I just think I need a big break. Like life saving break. And I'm having a break right now. That's what I wanted to say.

I think something is very hurting me. Something is sucking my energy out of me and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. It's over now I guess.. I mean.. Jesus, why can't my life leave me alone..

I want to cry so hard right now!! I need to cry and I can't because I'm calling with him. And that's understandable. And I'm calling right now and I am crying right now. And that's what I deserve.

And I know people, that you don't care about how I feel, but I need to tell it the world. I'm counting that nobody is reading this right now...

Saturday, 3 August 2013

I suck

I mean.. it's just a writing, right? It isn't anything important, right? It's just this stupid writing, right?
Then why am I so sad when someone says that I suck?
How  come that it hurts so much?
How come it makes me cry?
Why was I so self-confident?
I will never publish book!!
Get real, you stupid girl!
Why would a girl like you ever published a book, right?
Why would anybody care about you?
No.. of course it's not like that..
You are just not that good at writing...

Michael

Michael,
my hear is aching. I feel so alone that the tears of pain and full of bitterness are falling from my face.
Once you told me a legend of a god who was collecting human tears and hid them in his pillow. So he would never forget how pain looks like. Feels like...
I know, Michael, I know... it all started when we were younger and the god to take care of people he was supposed to take care of. And he didn't care. So ever since he had to pick up the tears of sadness and play a music of heart.
Wasn't it an angel, Michael? I don't really remember...

Friday, 2 August 2013

Does this numbness have a reason?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Those days of empty words and meaningless smiles?
Or are they here just to punish us before we fall into hell?
Maybe it's just defil himslef watching our lives...
What happened to us?
That we're now looking into a mirror without any rocognization of the person on the other side.
Where did they go?
Leaving us with our dark souls and tears of sadness on our lips. Hating the shadows that have left.
Are those shadows really us? Who are we now?
Sleeping of desperate loneliness that caputred our soul.
Maybe this all has a meaning.
Why didn't they take us with them?
Wondering how long we can (would) survive witout our dark mind like floewers without sun and water. Dry and colourless.
How could have this happened?
Did we do it unaware of are there some who can we blame for those hurtful intentions?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Or are we being punished?

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Don't... just don't

Don't come close unless you're sure of me.
Don't come close unless you're sure you won't hurt me.
I've been through so much pain recently
and you've been hurting me over and over again.

Don't leave me behind when you decide to face the truth.
Don't show your feelings unless they're true
don't pretend that your life is perfectly smooth
it's too late for me to feel pure.

Don't cry on my shoulder when you don't feel sad.
Don't tell me that you missed me when you didn't,
just leave me alone if you think it'll end up bad.
And don't go near me if you think you shouldn't.

We both are way too old to play games...

Don't say that you love me when you're in love with somebody else,
don't touch me when you don't need it.
It's just my bad feeling of a very cruel jest
and my mouth just wants to spit.

And most of all don't lie to me,
don't think that I am less
don't believe it's easy for me
and don't think that all you have to do is kiss.
just don't think that that's what it is....

I am just to vulnerable to feel like this...