Reality

Hallo darling...

I know you are here. I am aware of your eyes. They all staring at me most of my time. Perhaps they are trying to hurt me. But I don't believe you are so bad. That you could possibly be so cruel.

My darling. The only person who is supposed to be trusted. Please, don't disappoint me. Because if you will, you will never be able to forgive yourself.

But all you need to know, sweetheart, honey, is, that I will never do the same thing to you... The same thing that you've done to me thousand times. Because this time I am to weak. I like you too much. Revenge is impossible. Or you would say that really similar.

I miss you honey.

OK. You didn't want to hear that. But I am too tired to do anything else. And I am so glad you will never read this, because no one knows this page and you especially have no idea that something like this exists. Because you are not real. Why? Why cannot you be real?

I am just a person...

You know... this blog is becoming my diary... but I have to say it to someone.. you.. the only person who cares.. who reads my words and who believes I am a good person. Because I don't. And if I don't, someone has to.

I have got a history. I wish I haven't but I have. Being no one can hurt. I know that and I realize that. But sometimes is the chance make your own present and history more valuable then we know. Then we are aware.

And what happened? What the hell did happen?

I used to date someone. We were together over half of year. And then I broke up with him. It scared me. The relationship that was so serious and he liked me, loved me so much. It scared me. Do you understand? Do you know what I mean? I had to run. It was the only thing I could have done. And I did that. I probably wasn't trying enough or maybe that wasn't enough. Sometimes - often.. usually... it just doesn't work how we wish.. You know?

So I ended that up. And I was sure that was right decision. But he was so devastated! So much unhappy. For such a long time. He was always gone, he listened to music, he was so sad!

Until a few last days. I really thought that he is over me. Because he looked so happy. I believed we could be friends again. Not more. Although I would want we can't. I would be too afraid it would end up exactly like that again. And that is over me...

But he looked better. He told me something. I believed.

And today. They were making fun of him. As usually. And one boy said that I so devastated him. And I said of course I didn't. This is already something else..

And one friend of mine said that I was wrong. That was still me. That is still me. She didn't want to tell me that because I would be sad.. And I am.. Because yesterday I told her that perhaps he is already OK and we could be friends. I believed that and I had to look so happy that time...

I am so unhappy.. as usual... Why do these things happen?

Who has done that?

Hola, ?qué tal?

As You already know... I miss you. More then You can imagine... I spent years looking for you. But I couldn't find you between those faces you are not able to share.

What happened today? I saw you coming. I saw you and I figured you will be scared to death... and I understand.. I would be... You saw my soul..

I remember when I first time saw my soul. I run miles away and I screamed as much as was possible. I was yelling... Like a baby.. Like someone who can't escape... the were coming for me... I was so scared!!

I've never seen so scared face as yours. I should be a bit insulted... but don't worry... I am not... I am just afraid you will run away. That you just wanted to leave as soon as was possible. And that is your choice.. I know that and I accept that...

I am so afraid that you will run away.. I trusted you more then I trusted myself.. and now this... why did I show you everything?

Ice queen

Have you heard? That our eyes are just windows into our eyes? And that our lips lie as well as our tongue? Doesn't matter now... I just didn't want to go through it again.. 

I used to have broken heart. I did. So many times. When I was really young and you all were the bad stupid people who didn't care that I wasn't perfect..

Ice queen. Called me my friend and I wondered if he realised what that means. And if that is true. I am sure that he doesn't understand why I am who I am and for who I am becoming this. I just wish I hadn't done so many things before I started that..

No one understand why I am who I am. Neither do I. The only thing I understand is which of there milestones were the right...

I just wish this isn't true. I am just teenager. 16 years old girl who wonders why is everybody so strange and why is she such a outsider..

What's wrong with easy?

Español

Voy a escribir en español otra vez. Yo sé es no está buena cosa. Pero me siento muy sola. Supongo sabes la verdad. Quizá estás decepcionado. Entiendo. ¿Porque he hecho eso? Porque te echo de menos (I miss you). Y sabes eso antes dijo eso.

Estoy cansada. El cansancio es del grito sin palabras. O del grito con palabras. Odio el grito. Odio yo mismo. Odio ti. Odio mi vida y odio la suerte que saló mi. Depende....

Estoy, estoy, estás.

Español es tan malvada. Tan fuerte. Tan más buena como me. No estoy feliz. Y quiero hablar español tan bien tan hablo inglés ahora mismo. Este es mi objetivo..

Depende...

Tengo que ir...

Hasta luego...

Just a kiss

Hola... mi amigo solo... 

estoy cierta te no gusta me. Y yo entendo. Pero... voy a escribir en inglés. Gracias

I kissed with my friend. Almost with my best friend. And the worst thing is that it was not a good kiss. It was kiss I don't know. That shouldn't have come. I know what you think of that. I know. And I am sorry I have done that. But you have to promise me you'll never tell. That is really serious problem, you know?

We kissed and that felt so wrong. He is not a guy for me and I am not a girl for him. And it is so weird. It is mostly my fault because I hadn't  kissed anybody for really long time and I needed it a lot. But it was a mistake. And I know that a lot..

I have to admit that it was my idea. I hoped that if I kiss him, he would realize how he loves her. And that we don't belong together. But this kiss scares me. It was in park? I am such a jerk! Anyone could see us. And I don't want to be judged. I know that he doesn't care, but I don't want to! 

It was a kiss. Kiss I am afraid of and it was longer. What is wrong with me? Tell me, because you are the only one who knows. You are the only one who knows me. 

I think this all is your fault. No that you kissed your best boy friend. But because you know what you should say to me but you won't!... That is the reason why I'll never forgive you. That is the reason I am afraid of the most...

Promise

Hallo my closest friend..
sometimes I wonder if that is only me... And sometimes I wonder; What's wrong with me? Maybe you'll tell me.
I always wanted to meet someone who will care. With the good kind of way. I found only you. You mystery person who understands I am not as perfect as you want... I am really sorry...

You know I am reading a book. The book shows politic in some kind of weird way. And I don't know what I am supposed to believe to. Is this the truth? Is the fact that we all hate true? Am I supposed to be worried? Am I supposed to hide myself? Run away as you always wanted to see...

And I swore I would never run away.

I will say you just one thing... And listen carefully. NEVER promise anything. Anything. Because keeping promise is the worse thing you can ever do. And broken promise brake hearts as well as malice breaks good spirit. This all is related. And I cannot escape. No matter how I wish to..

I always wanted to be someone who will belong to something.... There is difference between something that is made for you and when you are made for something... Remember that.

You are made for me. What is made for you? Maybe this blog.. Maybe anything else. Just don't forget... Please... I told you more then I wanted...

Goodbye you...