Why?

Why is this happening to me? I am sorry. I didn't meant to bother you with my problems. My own world is full of surprises that hurt me. I am sorry about that but I couldn't help myself. That is who I am...

In English is much worse talking. Because in each sentense you say you also hear the word I. You are aware of it and you feel sick of it...  I... Because we are our own world. I hate that kind of truth. Sometimes I wish I am someone different. Some good person. I am surprised how good are people I know. And then I am surprised that I am so evil...

Did you know that I lie? Did you know that? I am liar. And worse, I am confused liar...

Do I like him again or is it or just my kind of feeling? My irresponsible soul hurts itself because of boredom. My life is strange but still exists.. I am sorry because of that...

Do you know that many people don't like me? That no one likes me anymore. And I feel bad about that.. because that probably means something. That no one trusts me. And I trusts everyone. I am sick of that fact...

Buenos días...

¡Hola!
¿Qué tal? ¿ Cómo estás? Yo estoy bastante bien. Pero estoy un poco nerviosa. Ayer terminé mi trabajo (essay) sobre México. Lo estuve difícil. Mucho difícil. Yo escribí 31 páginas. Estoy muy buena. Pero me sorprendo por mis habilidades. ¿Pero quién ha tenido un idea de escribir el trabajo como la corta? Todo es mi idea y la trabaja mía.

La escuela es estúpida. Mi profesora de español es mucho inhábil. Mi español es terrible. Es mucho difícil a mi a mejorar español sin el profesor de español.

Quiero un profesor de español. O quién que habla español bien. Quiero convertirme más bien de español que el resto. Quiero convertirme más buena. Persona buena.

No importa.

Hasta luego..

Muchos pesos...

No importa

El profesor de mi clase no está más justo. Yo sé. Es mucho bonito, divertido, inteligente y mucho más. Pero no está justo. Quiero habla con él pero no puedo. Está mucho arrogante y gusta solo chicos y hombres. Como estoy (mujeres) menos que hombres. Y él dices este y no estoy cierta ¿porque haces lo?

Ni importa. Estoy mujer. Quizá estoy la justa. Pero que el dice que el dice. Estoy mucho triste. En este momento quiero ser el hombre. Y odio yo mismo para lo. ¿Porque por qué? Yo encuentro tan eso porque le. ¿Y por qué?


No existo un hombre que entiendo. Y estoy so triste...

Por favor.. Con permiso para mi español. Pero lo es todo yo tengo. Gracias...

I know

I know you probably have no idea what I am saying. I am just trying to convince myself that I am a leader of my own life. That I am the one who decides his future. But I am sorry if I were wrong...

It says in one song: I am tired of waiting. And do you know what is really sad? That I am trying to convince myself that it is just in my mind. That I am the wrong person here..


You know I am tired of waiting. Because that is the only thing I am doing. Waiting. Like my sister. And although I like my sister I don't want to wait anymore. I want to have a life that worths something. I want to have fun with plenty of friends I have. But I don't have friends anymore. They all are gone. With their feelings. With they own problems. And I can't stand them anymore. 


What am I supposed to do?  

Oh my God!

God. I want to say that I don't believe in God. Although it is a good thought. Of something coming after death..

On this stupid world are thousands of people. Believe it or not. And all these people have their thoughts. The believe in something. Because no one can delete things you think. He can change them a bit. He can do many things. But you will always be who you are....

Remember that, OK...

Today is not a good day. But you probably already know that, don't you? Sorry for bothering you. I am just trying to do something good.

Because obviously I don't do good things. I do everything wrong. I am at wrong time at wrong place. I am telling bad things aloud. I am afraid of thousands of people. I am afraid of myself and I am afraid of you, reader.

I think that I deserve this. This feel less something that is way too wrong. Never mind. It was nice to hear from you again...

Reality

Hallo darling...

I know you are here. I am aware of your eyes. They all staring at me most of my time. Perhaps they are trying to hurt me. But I don't believe you are so bad. That you could possibly be so cruel.

My darling. The only person who is supposed to be trusted. Please, don't disappoint me. Because if you will, you will never be able to forgive yourself.

But all you need to know, sweetheart, honey, is, that I will never do the same thing to you... The same thing that you've done to me thousand times. Because this time I am to weak. I like you too much. Revenge is impossible. Or you would say that really similar.

I miss you honey.

OK. You didn't want to hear that. But I am too tired to do anything else. And I am so glad you will never read this, because no one knows this page and you especially have no idea that something like this exists. Because you are not real. Why? Why cannot you be real?

I am just a person...

You know... this blog is becoming my diary... but I have to say it to someone.. you.. the only person who cares.. who reads my words and who believes I am a good person. Because I don't. And if I don't, someone has to.

I have got a history. I wish I haven't but I have. Being no one can hurt. I know that and I realize that. But sometimes is the chance make your own present and history more valuable then we know. Then we are aware.

And what happened? What the hell did happen?

I used to date someone. We were together over half of year. And then I broke up with him. It scared me. The relationship that was so serious and he liked me, loved me so much. It scared me. Do you understand? Do you know what I mean? I had to run. It was the only thing I could have done. And I did that. I probably wasn't trying enough or maybe that wasn't enough. Sometimes - often.. usually... it just doesn't work how we wish.. You know?

So I ended that up. And I was sure that was right decision. But he was so devastated! So much unhappy. For such a long time. He was always gone, he listened to music, he was so sad!

Until a few last days. I really thought that he is over me. Because he looked so happy. I believed we could be friends again. Not more. Although I would want we can't. I would be too afraid it would end up exactly like that again. And that is over me...

But he looked better. He told me something. I believed.

And today. They were making fun of him. As usually. And one boy said that I so devastated him. And I said of course I didn't. This is already something else..

And one friend of mine said that I was wrong. That was still me. That is still me. She didn't want to tell me that because I would be sad.. And I am.. Because yesterday I told her that perhaps he is already OK and we could be friends. I believed that and I had to look so happy that time...

I am so unhappy.. as usual... Why do these things happen?