The perfect guy

I am in love.. by the way :-) The most beautiful and talented boy and I must always like someone like that..
He is beautiful.. like very very hot.. he is actually very cute - mostly because he sometimes looks so confused and so silly... and he is though very adult.

He can everything that requires perfect boy - like plays the guitar - I haven't seen many better players.. he plays all those perfect songs I always wanted to learn.. he is funny he is smart he is talented he wants to be a teacher. He plays piano - he can all those perfect piano songs why I want to learn play it as well. He is not selfish, he doesn't need to show everybody he can play. He sings perfectly.

He talked to me. He has a best friend - one of those you can tell everything. And it's a boy. Something I  haven't seen in my life. He is so hot, so nice, so sweet. I just wanted to write that somewhere. He is one of those I would love to be with one day.

Why does this always have to be like that? Why am I not as great as he is? Why can't I be for once so perfect that people would love to be with me. But I am always the childish one. I am always the crazy one. I am the one who keeps dreaming about boys but never gather enough courage to ask them out. Or at least ask them at all. I would love to be brave - for once in my life.

I want to be so perfect like T. Because she is perfect. Though I guess I've learnt how to wish her only the best things. I am so glad it ended up this way. Though I really envy her the trip to Canada. I also want to go to Canada for a half of a year. But I won't let that be a problem. I want to wish her only the best things. I want to be a good person. And I want to try an university or collage in any different country. If that works out - I would be the happiest person on the planet.. and that's the point, isn't it?

Hurt

Yesterday one of the most important people in my life told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He told me just that it's his fault - but can that be his fault? I'm the one who made something wrong - because he doesn't want to talk to me. I am the wrong one there.

And today (in a pub) he just ignored me all time long. He didn't say anything to me. He was talking to all those people (sitting as far from me as was possible) and T was asking me whether I was OK. But the truth is that I wasn't OK. I take those things personally and I've already lost him once. And now another time. And it might seem childish - but I don't want to loose him.

But I can see I do. And I can only be there and write that on the internet because that's all. And it really hurts me. I am not OK. And I am not quite sure if I should be.

So I am just crying a bit. And writing sad status on the internet. And I was keeping myself alife about one more half a year than before. And now it is finally there. The sadness and lost. And I am a bit afraid I have a broken heart. Which is even worse than I thought. Because I didn't want that.

I actually didn't want any of this. But I guess I have no other option than keep sitting there and being alone. Because that's actually all I can (and I am able) to do.

I just know I am going to miss him - miss him a lot. Because he's very important - he's not aware of that though. And that's a pity. I just wish all those things go away...

Anyway.. thanks for reading this.. or at least - thanks for viewing this ... and thanks for understanding this. Thank you all a lot...

Unhappy

Unhappy - as most of others...
My the most favourite teacher is happy now. Very, very happy and I cannot share that. Because I don't feel like that. I don't feel as happy as I am supposed to be.

Anyway. I guess I just wanted to say that I've been missing something - maybe some contact between two people (though I don't miss a relationship - I guess I am not a dating type..)

And I also miss someone who would be... I guess my best friend. Not the way T. is - although she is great she doesn't understand those things. She doesn't say you are perfect - even though she believes that. She doesn't understand unhappiness. And that is a good thing - and the reason why I can't tell her everything. I can't because she wouldn't understand the way I need.

I cannot say that to Ytam because he doesn't care actually. He cares just because after that he can talk about himself. And because we are his trophies. Something he can swagger with. Someone else who's told him everything in five minutes of talking!

 My sister simply doesn't care and she thinks my problems are stupid for teenagers of my edge. She also doesn't care. And that's all.

Iw is not there for me. She doesn't have any time, I probably don't worth it as I used to do. But that doesn't matter. I still like her very much and I always will. I can promise I always will. Because she is a person I cannot just hate. Or just stop like. I like her and I always will. And I think that will always be my biggest fail. My biggest mistake.
Is it my fault? I haven't done anything... I have just started dating MK. And I am very sorry that it had to end up this way. But I used to like him.

But after him I am unable to move on. Because I cannot stand any other relationship. Because the one before didn't work. I know that and that's the reason I think I'll always be alone. Because I cannot imagine myself with anyone. I don't do relationships. I am very bad at that. And I don't know what I am supposed to do. I really don't know.

Why are those things happening to me? Isn't this enough? Does the God hate me? Or anyone else?

And no one else talks to me.

Sometimes I write things

After some time I wonder whether this actually IS something. I guess you know what I mean...

It is sad but no one actually remembers me afterwards we meet. I don't know anyone who does. So it makes me wonder whether I am so much nothing or they are nothing even more. For example I think that on the second breath I actually am something to someone. Usually someone you can laugh at and he lets you. But I am something. And that is all I can ever got.

And I am aware that unless I'll change myself I can't be anything more. I cannot be someone you take seriously I cannot be someone who you can be with - and I even am not able to be with you. I am emotionally challenged. Or at least I think so - and all other people think so also because though all of them would say that is not true it is - they look like that and they can't imagine anything more. For example being more then just a stranger but even very, very good friend.

And the way I see other people's relationships I actually envy them that. And sometimes I jealous because those people mean something to me and I also want to have the same relationship with them. So in the end my biggest problem is that I am actually alone.

Because T. is my best friend but she is the way ahead and I am still standing here and complaining about my life. Because she has the chance to be like this. And though I am still trying to avoid this break I can't because I am already broken like I always am. Because I again won't go to England and I again will be stuck in this stupid country suffering because I've chosen the wrong way. Forever alone because that is how I am destined to be. That is how I feel. And I am so - so sorry.

I am listening to this song and I actually wonder if that actually means something to this person. If he actually wants to sing this because he feels that and he actually can express what he feels - because to be honest - who can scream into the world what he feels? I can't... Though I've been trying for such a long time. I don't care... But you already know that, don't you?

I am sorry - I am just talking to myself. But that is something you are not surprised to hear, are you?

And one more thing - I am not born to talk English ... I am not born to be English... or American... or French... or Spanish... of Finnish or any other country that is actually attractive some way... So I am sorry for my English - but I've been trying...

My own surprise

It was a prom yesterday. You know - those people who are about 2 years older then us - me. And many pairs who love each other and people I know and people I care about.

The worst of all is that while I was standing there and watching those people coming for their cup of fame and the went through the rain of coins I discovered one thing.

I actually care about him. Like I really, really like him. And I always liked him. You know - the way that he is hot (handsome) and funny and irresponsible and nice.

It doesn't matter anyway because he is in love with his girlfriend and I am actually glad. Because I know that it wouldn't end well anyway. So I just know that it is supposed to be like this.

Why was I talking to him at previous prom? Why was I?

I don't know. But to be honest - it's killing me. For a few months I've been thinking about another person I will like like I used to like him before. And I guess I've found him. But I am not this kind of girl who will talk or cry about it. I am just a girl who is loved by one boy she doesn't love. But nothing more. No one else. And it's a good thing because I am not good at relationships. I always do something stupid - laugh at the one I like because I can. Rude because it's not the way I imagined.

I am so sad about that. But whatever. I won't mention it again. I just wanted to have it. I just wanted to say that to someone. And ignore the fact that it will never work - because admit it - he'll leave and I won't have even chance to get to know him. Be friend with him because that is enough for me.

And the other one was great. He is so nice person when he doesn't try other way. And if he were this way always I would like him more then he knows - no the Love way. Just like him. Secrets are nothing to me. Because it screams in my mouth and I have no one to talk about that. I can't talk to him about that because he doesn't know I know. I can't talk about it with T because she doesn't know I know it. I can't talk about that with Iw because she actually have no time for me - just me. But it doesn't matter.

I am alone in this. And why am I writing it here? Because I hope someone'll understand and won't judge me because I like someone who's dating someone else. It's just a feeling and I cannot just make it stop whether I choose.

So please understand what I mean to say...

Dark pumpkin

Today is one of the most amazing days I've ever heard of - Halloween.

I had the chance to meet Halloween itself. If you know what I mean. I was taken by Samhalin. Thrown right into the arms of dead people which are celebrated this time.

Smalin. Old Celtic father of Halloween - as I was told. And something took my hand.

Oh no! - Has he really an axe in his head! Where am I and why is standing right next to him man with a pumpkin instead of head? What is going on here?

And then I see a knife and suddenly I have a real hole in my chest.

And after some time I am screaming by fear and pain that is actually happening to me. And then they are taking my skin off and flesh afterwards. What is happening to me?

And suddenly I have only bones and nothing else..

WTF?

And now it's me who scares kids now...

MUHEHE

Am I angry again?

I was told that I should behave. I was told that I will be missed. Nothing of this is actually real. Because otherwise that would mean I should be the best person on the planet. And I am not this kind of person.

Sometimes I would appreciate if people underestimate me. Because that would mean no disappointment. Though I would suffer because no one on this planet believes in me. But I feel like sometimes people except too much. And because they believe it I believe it too. So in the end I won't disappoint just them. I will disappoint me as well.

And what could be worse then disappointment from myself?

I know that sounds very confident - but I think that people overestimate me sometimes. Like teachers who expects me to be good but I am not because I can't. Or parents who believe teachers.

Or people who think that I can do that. But I can't. That happened to me so many times that I am surprised of myself. Because I haven't lost my confidence. I am still confident and I still know who I am. And I am proud of that. Because that is what people miss or what they think is attractive - it is only easy - doing like I don't have any confidence - like I hate myself.

But this sort of people is not attractive anymore. Usually it is just the way how you can look poor or sad. Bud sadness is not what people are looking for.

So just forget you've read this page.

Thanks :-

Your dear friend - I hope dearest

Mar