Does this numbness have a reason?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Those days of empty words and meaningless smiles?
Or are they here just to punish us before we fall into hell?
Maybe it's just defil himslef watching our lives...
What happened to us?
That we're now looking into a mirror without any rocognization of the person on the other side.
Where did they go?
Leaving us with our dark souls and tears of sadness on our lips. Hating the shadows that have left.
Are those shadows really us? Who are we now?
Sleeping of desperate loneliness that caputred our soul.
Maybe this all has a meaning.
Why didn't they take us with them?
Wondering how long we can (would) survive witout our dark mind like floewers without sun and water. Dry and colourless.
How could have this happened?
Did we do it unaware of are there some who can we blame for those hurtful intentions?

Does this numbness have a reason?
Or are we being punished?

Don't... just don't

Don't come close unless you're sure of me.
Don't come close unless you're sure you won't hurt me.
I've been through so much pain recently
and you've been hurting me over and over again.

Don't leave me behind when you decide to face the truth.
Don't show your feelings unless they're true
don't pretend that your life is perfectly smooth
it's too late for me to feel pure.

Don't cry on my shoulder when you don't feel sad.
Don't tell me that you missed me when you didn't,
just leave me alone if you think it'll end up bad.
And don't go near me if you think you shouldn't.

We both are way too old to play games...

Don't say that you love me when you're in love with somebody else,
don't touch me when you don't need it.
It's just my bad feeling of a very cruel jest
and my mouth just wants to spit.

And most of all don't lie to me,
don't think that I am less
don't believe it's easy for me
and don't think that all you have to do is kiss.
just don't think that that's what it is....

I am just to vulnerable to feel like this...

How did we get here?

How did we get here?
On this planet and into this planet.
It seems like the fate is playing us and laughing behind the curtain. Explaining everything that hurt me.
Why did they leave me?
Was I really so bad person that they left me alone?
I wish I could know what the future holds. Will it embrace me like I embraced my dead soul?
The burity of my body left me. Now there are only damned cruel thoughts in my mind. Eating me alive...
And I'm just hiding under the covers.
How could this happen to anybody?
Is God really such a bad person? Is this actually leading me somewhere?
True and hones.
Why am I weeping on the ground?
I thought I was over that...
Clearly I wasn't...
Is mourning actually leading us somewhere or do we do that just to get rid of that blame which is hauting us forever...
How did I get here?
How could this happen?

My latest work

It is really nice to have a diary with everything so secret that even I forget. Like.. who would suspect that I have something else, right?

I must admit this is new to me. Feeling something in my life. Having new friends. I even must admit that I don't miss my current friends. I just don't miss my ex best friend. Even though she was my best friend. She just left me. And I can't force myself to feel something like friendship anymore.. I mean.. she made a choice.. and she made the right one.. but sometimes you must lose something to gain something else. And she should know that by now.

She has a lot of experience, she used to be there for me, and she can English much more. But that's it. I am not going to try to act like someone else because I am not. She lost me. I know, it is not a great lost, but it is. And that doesn't mean that the past was something else.. it just was.. there.. and it did something to me. I am just tired of that, really.. and it is not funny anymore. But what to say? This world is leaving me behind...

All right then.. I guess that's all I wanted to say...

Thanks a lot...

Bye...

I want to see London

I have one big dream lately - I wish I could visit London. You know.. True London. Live there, work there for while - if I am very lucky study there as well (in some really good school) and other similar things. I wish that so MUCH...

And that makes me trembling. I want to be one day different you know...  Anyway.. Have a nice day---

The perfect guy

I am in love.. by the way :-) The most beautiful and talented boy and I must always like someone like that..
He is beautiful.. like very very hot.. he is actually very cute - mostly because he sometimes looks so confused and so silly... and he is though very adult.

He can everything that requires perfect boy - like plays the guitar - I haven't seen many better players.. he plays all those perfect songs I always wanted to learn.. he is funny he is smart he is talented he wants to be a teacher. He plays piano - he can all those perfect piano songs why I want to learn play it as well. He is not selfish, he doesn't need to show everybody he can play. He sings perfectly.

He talked to me. He has a best friend - one of those you can tell everything. And it's a boy. Something I  haven't seen in my life. He is so hot, so nice, so sweet. I just wanted to write that somewhere. He is one of those I would love to be with one day.

Why does this always have to be like that? Why am I not as great as he is? Why can't I be for once so perfect that people would love to be with me. But I am always the childish one. I am always the crazy one. I am the one who keeps dreaming about boys but never gather enough courage to ask them out. Or at least ask them at all. I would love to be brave - for once in my life.

I want to be so perfect like T. Because she is perfect. Though I guess I've learnt how to wish her only the best things. I am so glad it ended up this way. Though I really envy her the trip to Canada. I also want to go to Canada for a half of a year. But I won't let that be a problem. I want to wish her only the best things. I want to be a good person. And I want to try an university or collage in any different country. If that works out - I would be the happiest person on the planet.. and that's the point, isn't it?

Hurt

Yesterday one of the most important people in my life told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He told me just that it's his fault - but can that be his fault? I'm the one who made something wrong - because he doesn't want to talk to me. I am the wrong one there.

And today (in a pub) he just ignored me all time long. He didn't say anything to me. He was talking to all those people (sitting as far from me as was possible) and T was asking me whether I was OK. But the truth is that I wasn't OK. I take those things personally and I've already lost him once. And now another time. And it might seem childish - but I don't want to loose him.

But I can see I do. And I can only be there and write that on the internet because that's all. And it really hurts me. I am not OK. And I am not quite sure if I should be.

So I am just crying a bit. And writing sad status on the internet. And I was keeping myself alife about one more half a year than before. And now it is finally there. The sadness and lost. And I am a bit afraid I have a broken heart. Which is even worse than I thought. Because I didn't want that.

I actually didn't want any of this. But I guess I have no other option than keep sitting there and being alone. Because that's actually all I can (and I am able) to do.

I just know I am going to miss him - miss him a lot. Because he's very important - he's not aware of that though. And that's a pity. I just wish all those things go away...

Anyway.. thanks for reading this.. or at least - thanks for viewing this ... and thanks for understanding this. Thank you all a lot...